I Just Could NOT Shake the Sadness

Have you ever had a gut feeling so strong, that you could not ignore it? I believe this happens effectively, when you are so in tune with your body and you know how to appreciate the quiet stillness once you have learned to manage stress and anxiety. The last week in March 2018, my gut feeling was on steroids. Each day I usually begin my mornings with prayer and then I meditate; March 29th was no different. My mom called to inform me that she had just talked to my son and something was wrong. He was getting things really mixed up and he said he could not walk. I told her I needed to get to Michigan immediately.  

You see, the day before, I woke up with the overwhelming sadness and heavy heart in my gut and I knew it had something to do with our 39-year-old son. I called him and when he answered, he sounded fine. He said he had been sick but was getting through it. I hung up the phone and did not feel one bit better – actually, I felt worse. I could not work. I cried, wrote in my journal, meditated, called a support friend, cried some more – nothing worked. Later that evening, I called our son again and told him about this awful feeling I was experiencing regarding him. I said, “I am really worried about you”. To this he replied, “mom, I am worried about me too” but did not elaborate. After I hung up, I prayed, read my inspirations and cried myself back to sleep.

My Gut Feeling Took us from Texas to Michigan

Bright and early March 30, we loaded our car, and headed across the country. After driving twelve hours, we had to stop for the night as it is hard for either of us to drive at night and we needed a few hours of sleep. That did not happen – sleep that is. I found myself sitting by the side of the bed, staring out the large picture window in the motel room, waiting for that little glimmer of sun rise. YEP – FINALLY – there it is. No shower, no breakfast, just “Let’s get on the road”, I firmly told my husband. For eight hours, I drove through rain, which normally makes me nuts, but I was focused, driven and determined to get to our son. The closer I got to Michigan, the stronger the feeling was that he was in trouble.

About 3 PM we drove up in our son’s driveway. I put my hands on the steering wheel, asked God for guidance, faith and strength for whatever was about to happen, and my husband and I entered the home. As soon as my feet were on the inside hallway, I yelled out “Son, are you in here?”. He replied in a welcoming tone of voice, “I am upstairs”, as if he was expecting us. With relief that he was still alive, we walked up the stairs. I gasped, and my heart fell straight to the floor as soon as I saw him. Our 6’ 5” son was spread out on the floor, severely malnourished and dehydrated with dry ghost white skin; a skeleton with sunken eyes and a beautiful smile unable to walk or get up.

My Gut Feeling was Spot On

He was in good spirits, but it was not long before we realized he was experiencing serious delusions and mental confusion.  Almost two weeks in the hospital and six weeks in a physical therapy rehab facility, he is now home on his 10-acre farm and doing well. We learned that he had suffered a breakdown after losing his business and fiancé. He is now at normal weight, walking with still some mental confusion but remarkably improved. He has a great attitude and looks forward to the future. One day, we hope he will be well enough to live on his own.

God is good, and I now spend my days recovering physically, mentally and spiritually from the stress of the last 3 months while doing what I love to do – being Coach Delisa. My husband ended up moving us to Michigan, as I tended to our son, and we are learning what our new normal is. I think back on the last week in March and realize what the consequences would have been if I had not listened to my gut, my inner voice, my quiet. When you practice finding your direction in your quiet, you learn the difference between anxiety, worry and God whispering in your heart. I had no reason to know our son was in such dire condition, but I recognized God’s overpowering voice. Practicing quiet meditation daily, preferably after prayer, will give you a calm foundation to start your day. Find you direction in your quiet. Many years, my friend, many years.