she wonders where God is
A woman looks out her window as tears roll down her cheeks and she wonders where God is. The sky is gray, and the rain comes down in a steady drizzle. The quiet in her motel room is suffocating. As she thinks about the events of the last few years, she realizes that God has given her more than she can bear. She wonders why God forgot about her. But of course, she knows that she did not do enough for God. She realizes that she is getting what she deserves. With a few hundred dollars, a car and a puppy but, that is all. She has lost everything. One by one, her life became unbearable and she wonders why her life was chosen to deal with such suffering. Why couldn’t her life be one of those lives that had loving parents, opportunities, money and happiness?
she is a mess and she knows it
She decides that in the morning she will drive across the country, just her 4-month-old black lab puppy and her. Her family has disowned her. Her job now belongs to someone else. The home where she lived now has a foreclosure sign on it; none of her friends will talk to her. She decides that God does not think she is worth helping. Drinking beer become her refuge, one case at a time. She is a mess and she knows it. She committed to AA over twelve years ago. After each meeting, she stops at the store for her usual case and goes home to her self-soothing ritual. She thinks about all the counselors, programs, classes, suggestions and theories she has lived through. None of them worked even though, each time, her heart was truly encouraged. What she didn’t know, is that she was driving into her miracle.
“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” – ROMANS 8:28
“For He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you’.” HEBREWS 13:5
a major ah ha moment
It was some years later before I put all the pieces together, but looking back, that drive to Texas was one of my major ah ha moments. At 45 years old, I learned to live on my own. I committed to finishing college because I wanted to, not to impress people in my life who had continuously reminded me of how I would never amount to anything. And, I fell in love again. This time to a faithful man who dearly loved Christ. This man, who had lost his wife to cancer, loved me not only for who I was at the moment he met me but for the woman he knew I was going to become as he helped me learn to love Jesus. Throughout my life’s tribulation, I never once got angry with God or stop praying but I did stop believing that I was worth miracles.
blessed beyond years
Today, I am sixty years old and I am blessed beyond years. One by one, God began to show me why I suffered so much pain and why I had to. The work God needs me to do now would not be possible if I had not experienced everything I did. I was never suicidal, and I never lost hope, but I did lose self-worth and self-love. And I lost the ability to socialize and feel true compassion for others. God has since given all those things back to me times a thousand. Do I have regrets? Yes, I do. My experiences made me who I am today, but my choices were not healthy ones. More times than not, my choices severely caused pain to the people I love the most in my life. I have regrets but I have also made amends.
God has a purpose for you
God tells us again and again that He will never leave us even though at times it seems as if He did. He is still watching over you and His heart is breaking as He watches His precious child in so much pain. The thing is that you only learn great lessons in pain. When it seems like He is not there for you, it only means that you are not using the right means of communication to talk to Him. He talks to us through prayer, meditation and His word, the bible. If you are not using these communication tools, how can He work with you? God tells us that He is working all things together for good and that He does have a purpose for you but you have to work with Him. God gives us divine opportunities all day, every day and we usually don’t reach out.
“Pray silently with simplicity every day to stay cool and calm in mind, composed and collected in heart; courageous and connected to own soul, to lay the way for a peaceful life.” – by Anuj Somany
“Our life will not make sense and be filled with joy according to our plan because we only know how to screw things up. Our life is only ultimately purposeful and filled with joy if we give in to His plan and commit to every part of the implementation.” – Coach Delisa Deavenport
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Until next time, Find Your Direction in Your Quiet.